Well my friends and I decided to try, and you get to part of the process every step of the way. If it wasn’t apparent, we’ve broken the story up into color coded writing signatures, so if you see color you liked to follow more than the others…feel free to skip sections, and if you have any suggestions please feel free to comment, remember the more hands the better.

We all hope you enjoy…

Day one

Chapter One: Neil Armstrong is F’ing Shaky!

Meet Mohammed. Mohammed is a lanky unsuspecting sophomore in college. Mohammed is amazingly average in almost every way. He comes from an amicably split household. He was raised in Reseda Ca, in a predominantly middle classed north Indian neighborhood. He attended public high school, achieved mediocrity in sports and academics, maintained the average amount of popularity coupled with teenage awkwardness, and dated five girls from his high school and neighboring ones as well. One of the girls he dated twice.  He has two very understanding and nurturing step-parents. Mohammed has one biological brother, and attended the first college that accepted his application. He is currently in his first year as Linguistics major, after switching from his original collegiate entry as a Feminist Studies major. A major his high school girlfriend proposed to keep them closer as they planned to take their journey through college hand in hand. Coincidentally Mohammed and his girlfriend broke up after two weeks into their first quarter.  He went on to briefly dabble in journalism, communications and psychology before landing in Linguistics. His girlfriend coincidentally changed her major to Queer and Sexuality Studies. Without ever questioning a pattern of behavior for his ex Mohammed moved on, and rather quickly.

Mohammed is the perfectly average college student. He maintains a 2.7 GPA. He cheats on several tests a quarter. He misses several classes due to laziness and hangovers. He maintains a whimsical relationship with a few tolerant professors and he is part of a couple on campus organizations. With an average home life, average academic achievements, average sex life and average behavior, Mohammed has managed to become America’s “Bobby Teenager”, but not today. Today Mohammed is going to do something out of the ordinary, something above average; something remarkable…Mohammed is going to start a Third World War.

Tuesday morning 10:29 am

On campus Coffee House

At a professionally bleached oak table and chair set up sits a fair skinned beautifully freckled faced woman. Her head is slightly bobbing up and down in a rhythmic pattern as she longingly looks out the coffee shop window. Her ears plugged with white ear buds, the separate ear cords appear interwoven in her slightly clumpy and wavy cherry blonde red hair, like several rose stems growing around a white picket fence. Her shoulders are stiff and hunched over putting her arm a 45 degree angle as she slightly leans over her table. On her table lays several previously crumpled sheets of paper, two small books, two empty pens and a small laptop. She’s brought out of her state of musical trance by one of her pens rolling off the table and hitting the ground next to her. She leans down to pick up the fallen instrument and scans around the room to see if there have been any significant changes worth her attention.

Her head is raised to view the coffee shop door entrance at the moment they fly open. In enters the biggest, beefiest, long legged boy that ginger nut had ever laid eyes on. His extra small, super tight Hollister t-shirt combined with his stoned washed jeans shorts painted the picture perfect uniform of only the gayest homosexuals. This man was wearing the type of outfit where you can see the pockets rubbing against his hot, muscular thighs. She could immediately tell that he did a lot of squat thrusts in his free time. Her only impulse, the only thought in her head, is that she has to rub a healthy dose of moisturizing lotion on his legs. She snaps out of her trance to fine herself deeply blushing. Then she remembers she is a ginger and cannot blush because she is always the color of tomatoes and beets. Mohammed saunters over to the counter, his pelvis guiding the way. He places his smooth, hairless forearms on the counter to rest. He turns his head, taking in the scene to his rear. His eyes catch those of the cherry blonde who has not looked away from his massive homosexual man thighs since he walked through the door. Mohammed proceeds to arch his back and stick his ass in the air, sending out the vibe to the ginger that, indeed, it is game on. Or so she thought. He pays for the coffee, turns around and proceeds in the direction of her yearning loins. She gets up from her chair to meet him, but he casually walks right by her. It is as if she does not exist, hers eyes wide open in disbelief and confusion, no clue that fate has played a cruel joke upon her pasty head.

 Sitting behind the now embarrassed red mutant is a short, rotund Pilipino man. This man dons a pink sweater vest showing off all of his curves. His yellow pudgy fingers reach out to greet him. Mohammed never ever being with an Asian of any sorts was more than intrigued to see where this may lead.

His name was “Biscuits”, or so he said. It was really a nickname given to him because of his round ass. Mohammed never being with a man let alone an Asian made the situation even more intriguing. After getting the usual getting to know chitchat they get up together, their fingers interlocked with the biggest homo smile on their faces as if they had intentions of sinners. As they make their way out the door they both spot an alley across the busy street. As the cars pass by, engines revving up as were there hormones. With sex on both of their mind they make their way across the street, filled with jubilation as if they were little kids, they reach the alley, as they were about to share their fist embrace, 6 sailors on steroids where casually walking by and happen to catch biscuits and Mohammed in their gay embrace and immediately become enraged with anger, being the closet homosexuals they are, feel it necessary to show there hetero manliness and decide to teach “Biscuits” and Mohammed a lesson.

Both men floated through the coffee shop as they made their way to the door. Patrons and passer by’s alike stopped and part took in the fairy like behavior of the two men before they exited the building. The cherry blonde redhead, now fully intrigued by the fearlessly gay duo, follows the two outside of the shop with a slightly intrusive stare from her sharp green eyes. Unable to hear the dialogue between the assortments of UFC watching, affliction gear wearing, spiked fro-hawk having, tattoo covered sailors and the openly queer couple, the cherry blonde leans slightly over her table to get a closer view of the lip movement of the two parties. She watches the two gay men walk tentatively pass the battery of overly expressed disgust and expressively loud homophobic slander by the sailors.

She sees the two men pass half way through a tunnel of hate and ignorance created by the seven angry sailors, “Biscuits” gets a little too close to one of the men and takes a quick left hand to the face. “Biscuits” hits the ground like a bird shot out of the sky. He attempts to break his fall with both knees and one hand, while his other clutches the side of his head. The cherry blonde clutches her mouth and gasp. Looking on further, she sees “Biscuits” take a half extended knee to his lower ribcage. Mohammed reacts with a wild elbow that catches the sailor to his left right on the cheekbone, the shatter could be heard from inside the coffee shop and felt by the cherry blonde through her ear buds and bass heavy music. The first attempted gay basher stumbles backwards and begins to dribble blood and snot. Mohammed quickly turns his attention to the man directly across from him. Mohammed extends his right leg and catches the man squaw in the nuts. The sailor gasps for air and lands to his knees with his hands clutching his now mushy privates. In an attempt to guide the homosexual fighters through battle, the cherry blonde gently whispers to herself fighting commands. “Get up!”, “Watch out!”, “Kick that mutha-fucker!” and with each command she’s feels a sort of telepathic link with her new Sapphic warriors.

Mohammed launches himself across the semi circle of men and takes out the sailor hovering directly over “Biscuits”. “Biscuits” pops to his feet and spears the closest sailor to him. Clutched fist after clutched fist rhythmically crush into the bloody and broken face of the sailor under “Biscuits”.  “Biscuits” is quickly lifted off the mangled sailor by two of the sailors fighting partners. Mohammed sensing his airy lover is in danger, delivers a quick head butt and few well placed elbows to the face of his fallen combatant, and lurches towards the two men holding “Biscuits”. Mohammed raises one knee after the other to the mid section of the sailor attempting to punch “Biscuits”. The sailor whips around and catches a closed fist to the throat from Mohammed. The sailor grabs his throat and leaves his face open to two quick jabs to the nose and collapses underneath his own weight. “Biscuits” slams the back of his head into the face of the sailor holding him to gain a bit of separation. “Biscuits” quickly turns around and flat kicks the brute in the mid section and launches him into the iron cast door behind him. The sailor slams into the door and leaves a full body dent in it. Both of the gay men hunch over attempting to catch a quick breathe and are met with applause by the coffee shop spectators, passer by’s and anyone within in eye shot of the recent gladiator battle. The triumphant scene is broken up by the piercing yell of “CUT!!!”

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c7407a32b7/pitzers-masculinist-coalition-first-meeting-on-3708-part-13-from-carl-spackler

I realize I’m a little late to the table for this subject, but I believe better late than never. I was listening to the radio today, and a radio personality brought up last year’s Pitzer College controversy to gain leverage in an argument about our society “dancing a dangerous line around being PC about everything.”

The argument stemmed around how people are too afraid to be themselves in fear of offending someone. The two radio host argued two positions, the first host argued for tolerance and understanding, and the other argued that while there should be some sensitivity towards others, being PC doesn’t necessarily solve the “problem”. The second host also mentioned how being PC is affecting our future generations and the Pitzer College controversy was brought in as an example.

For those of you unfamiliar with the case, here is brief 30 sec recap.

Back in early 2008, some male students attempted to form a campus-based masculinity coalition. They wanted college recognition for it and funding from the student senate. For those who may be interested, these
links trace the struggles faced by the coalition, ending with a video of their first official meeting.

I watched the 3 part videos of this coalition open debate forum. And a majority of the “people” who had issues to discuss, were women who were being hypocritical in their points of view. Asking how the masculine coalition by its very name were being exclusive. Yet forgetting that feminism by its very name excludes male points of view.  The men at this open forum I believe held their own in a very calm and educative way, but the women at the debate were seemed judgmental, mocking, threaten, and almost frightful of the coalition because of its very name. They seemed to have a great difficulty of getting beyond their own perceived stereotypes based on the word masculine. Why are women so afraid of men being masculine?

The main debate seemed to stem around changing the name to make it more appealing to other people and groups. To which I ask why? The name doesn’t change what’s going to happen at meetings, it’s not going to change the events, it’s not going to change the celebration of man. If you change the name of the Gay and Queer Alliance, to Friends Holding Hands, it doesn’t change what these people are fighting for. Another argument was that the using the word masculinism (a made up word by the way) to shock people to gain credibility. Yet none of the people who opposed this coalition brought up that feminism actually used shock tactics to gain awareness to stake their cause.

It just seemed that it was a collection of other groups were trying to impose their opinions and suggestion of running this group and turning it into an extension of their root coalition. Homosexuals wanted it to be less masculine, feminist wanted it to be more inclusive, minorities wanted it to be more apathetic, so on and so forth, yet none of these groups follow their own suggestions.

I was a little upset at the resistance at which this coalition was met with. It just seemed ridiculous that a group trying to gather individuals to celebrate the heterosexual male point of view was ostracized for its attempt. I understand the slippery slope most people will jump to when arguing against a group such as this. What happens when the Neo Nazi’s, Klan, homophobic, or chauvinistic groups want to gather and ask for funding for their coalition? My answer, nothing. Nothing happens, as long as these racist, homophobes abide by the rules of the campus, i.e. inclusionary acceptance, legitimate educational value and safe gatherings, then there is no reason why they shouldn’t be allowed to congregate. But by their sheer principles they would be in direct violation of these rules, thus not allowed.
When did it become offensive to be a man?

Was wearing oversized glasses a conscious decision by women?

A friend and I were discussing the attractiveness loop hole a large portion of women seem to exploit most recently, and it’s wearing oversized shaded luxury glasses. These often times, brightly colored, darkly shaded, “take-up 2/3 of your face” sized sun glasses have now become the premier fashion accessory. I suppose my friend and I forget how important the area from the top of the eyebrow to the bottom of the nose actually is on women. Sure legs, butts, breast, hair, arms, stomachs, and the rest defiantly help sway a decision, but the face is often over looked and taken for granted. Some women won’t leave the house until they’ve put on these snowboarding goggles regardless that the weather outside is overcast with an 80% chance of rain and utter lack of sunlight. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against fashion, trends or raising one self esteem through clothing, but this occurrence is getting out of hand.

My friend and I feel it’s yet again, another way women have found to falsely project attractiveness. With a combination of eye shadows, high heels, hair extensions, and push up bra’s it’s becoming more and more difficult to see a woman’s beauty for what it is. Now couple that with these masking sunglasses, women are basically wearing an outer shell of manufactured beauty. I just wanted to know whether or not if this was a conscious decision by women to wear these type of glasses and make it a trend for reasons listed above or did these glasses simply become fashionable because of their functionality. Covering up ½ of your face may mean one doesn’t have to apply makeup everyday and can still be consider attractive. Covering up ½ of one’s face may lessen the occurrence of certain types of skin cancers. Or perhaps women really have figured out that wearing these glasses actually preserves this false sense of attractiveness for these women who are fugly between the eyebrows and bottom cheeks area?

If you have a pair of these glasses, ask yourself if you’re wearing these glasses because they look good or because it makes “YOU” look better than you actually are? And what else will you wear next to cover up?

Is the human psyche that fragile?

So I was watching this documentary about individuals who posses “Objective Sexuality”. And it got me thinking, what the HELL is wrong with people? How do we justify some of our actions? What went developmentally wrong and where? Or better yet, is there no longer a standard of normalcy yet a sea of human beings all screwed up aspiring to the unattainable?

For those of you who may not know, Objective Sexuality is the condition when people or animals (usually people) develop strong psycho-sexual and emotional attachments to inanimate objects. A co-morbid condition which uses mild displacement and Aspergers syndrome to help a person develop projected characteristics for inanimate objects.

Basically it was a 40 min BBC documentary about a bunch of north eastern European women falling in love with bridges, walls, towers, bows, banister, and in one rare case a guillotine. It starts with a woman who is standing in front of the Golden Gate bridge, who believes that the bridge communicates telepathically to her. She then proceeds to describe her deep desire to make love to a piece of the Golden Gate Bridge, and how she hopes “HE” will be able to feel it. Second is a woman who is an inanimate whore lover. This second woman is in love with both a bridge and wall and is married to a tower. The last woman was a world class archer who dumped her boyfriend who taught her archery to only end up falling in love with the BOW. A bow named fucking Lance. This bitch had a man, but chose to drop that for the inanimate object her previous love brought her. I thought it was spoof on a documentary I watched a couple months back about a bunch of men who fell in love with life size sex dolls. I was sadly mistaken. These women were dead serious. Some go on to talk about their lust and subsequent sexual relations with pieces of these inanimate objects. One woman is even caught trying to f**k the Eiffel tower.

What the HELL man?!

There are men in this world who can’t speak with or handle interactions with women so they run to life size sex dolls and give them fantasy characteristics. And now we have women who can’t deal in “normal” relationships with men or women and run to inanimate objects for affection. Where did it go so wrong? As assumed, many of these women have suffered from some sort of mental defect or traumatic childhood.

My question is, how is it that some people handle life much better or differently,( because there can’t be a standard anymore when people are doing things like this) than others?

People who grew up in foster homes never knowing their families go on to lead healthy lives and raise families of their own. Individuals who have seen friends die in their arms go on to help mentor and tutor others on lose and tragedy. Women who have been raped, go on to live and eventually trust again. People who have lost practically everything and yet maintain optimistic hope. Individuals who should have every right to fall apart mentally but don’t. And then there are people who were slapped a little too hard one time in the middle of a Walmart when they were in 2^nd now grow up to f**k dead little woodland creatures they name Judith. How does this happen?

Is the human psyche that fragile, or are people looking for ways to grab as much shocking attention as possible, because it’ll validate their very pathetic lives?

I was looking up ticket prices the other day, to a concert I was really enthused to see, but after adding up the nonsense fees Ticketmaster feels compelled to tack onto a single ticket, I had to pass. It’s f-ing ridiculous, a ticket starts off at 35.00 bucks and ends up forcing someone to pull out a second mortgage on their home once Ticketmaster gets their talons into it.

Actual Ticket Fee:

$60.00

Ticket Master Fee:

Convenience Charge: $6.50-13.45 (Convenience from what? I still have to pay an extra 12.00 or so to mail them, or 2.50 to print them, or 2.50 to drive to the venue and present my id to pick them up. How is this additional 6.50-13.45 charge making my life convenient?)

Building Facility Fee: $1.50-4.50 (I’m confused…isn’t this what my $60.00 is paying for as well?)

Self Print Fee: $2.50 (Why am I being charged to use my own ink and printer to print the tickets I just paid for?)

Retail Outlet Pick Up Fee: $1.00 (Why am I being charged to pick them up? I just paid for them and now I have to pay an extra dollar each to actually put them in my hand once I get to the venue)

Customers in other Countries pick up by will Call: $2.50 (Is this a ransom fee? Was my $60.00 dollar not good enough you need an extra 5 bucks from me?)

It used to work like this: Artists (or their management) figure out how much it will cost to tour. They present promoters with a price (known as a guarantee). If promoters think they can make enough money to pay the guarantee and make a profit, they’ll book the show. A ticketing agent like Ticketmaster makes no money from the price of the ticket, so it profits by charging various service fees.
Everyone in this arrangement is making plenty of money. Ticket sales in North America last year rose 7 percent to $4.2 billion, according to trade industry magazine Pollstar, though as in recent years, the growth comes from selling fewer tickets at higher prices. Ticketmaster in 2008 reported third-quarter revenues of $339.2 million, up 16 percent over the previous year.

I ask if, most artist have signed with Live Nation to promote their concerts, and Live Nation merges with Ticketmaster, how is this not a monopoly? What’s to stop this merger from adding more shenanigan fees to tickets.

Fees like:

Staging Fee: Charging the fans for the stage set up fee.

Production Fee: Charging the fans for production cost.

Grouping Fee: Charging the fans the cost of the artist entourage fees

Concession Fee: Charging the fan the cost of food and liquor for the entire tour for the artist and their entourage.

Trust Fee: Charging the fan for the cost of the artist retirement fees.

So if artists, promoters and ticketing agencies are making so much money, the real question is, who’s getting screwed?

This woman must have been one of those wives who spends her husband’s money all day trying to humiliate publics service attendants because at home her husband makes her feel like a shell of woman with his open infidelity and verbal berating of her family and her quickly decreasing looks. Either way she found her way through a break of coke snorting and a shopping marathon to belittle her next victim in this Subway.

I understand there is an inherit control Subway bestows on its customers. You go in, Subway has the ingredients, you practically make your sandwich, easy enough. But ever so often (more often than not) there are these individuals who take this formula and clutch it in their tyrannical claws and rip it to shreds.

I shit you not, this was the encounter:

Subway dude (SD): Hello miss, welcome to Subway, what can I get you today? (keep in mind he’s smiling at this point)

Valor Bitch (VB): I know you’re gonna get this wrong, so I’ll speak slow. You guys always mess up my order. (Stone face behind a pair of oversized sunglasses)

SD: Uh…I’m sorry to hear that, well what can I get you today?

VB: Ok, I want two sandwiches, one on wheat and the other on…wait what type of bread does the sweet onion chicken teriyaki come on?

SD: Whatever type of bread you like…

VB: No that’s not what’s in the picture!…What’s that bread in the picture?

SD: Oh in the picture…Italian.

VB: Italian? Uh…no…no…I’ll just have it on white.

SD: Ok, and the second sandwich?

VB: Let’s just do this one first!

SD: Ok. So everything on it?

VB: Did I say everything on it? No.

SD: Would you like this toasted?

VB: It’s not toasted in the picture, have you made this before?

SD: Uh, yes miss. Ok…lettuce, cheese tomato, onions, green peppers, olives and pickles?

VB: A little lettuce, two tomatoes, no cheese, no onions, a “smidge” of olives, no green peppers and no pickles. And none of that…that…sauce stuff.

SD: The sweet on sauce? Would you like to try some of it.

VB: Sure.

SD: Here you go.

VB: Uhhhhggg!! Why would you put that on a sandwich? I hope you warn people before putting that crap on their sandwiches. There should be a sign put up.

SD: Uh…so that’s a no…?

VB: Yeah, and you shouldn’t be putting that on any other sandwiches.

That’s sandwich number one. The guy is now no longer smiling.

SD: And the second….?

VB: I want a turkey and ham sandwich on wheat.

 SD: Ok, what would you like on it?

VB: Well this one needs to be made in three parts. I want turkey on one third of it, ham on the other and both on the last.

SD: Uhhhhh….

VB: Swiss cheese on the 1/3 with turkey, American on the 1/3 with ham and peppercorn on the one with both.

SD: Uhhhh….

VB: Light onions on the 1/3 with ham, no onions on 1/3 with turkey and only green peppers on the one with both.

SD: Uhhhh….

VB: That’s too many onions!!!!!

SD: Uhhhh….

VB: Oh just forget it.. I knew you’d ruin it. Just light mayo on all of them, mustard on the 1/3 with ham and just salt and pepper on the one with both and wrap them up so I can get out of here. I mean it’s not that hard and you guys find a way to ruin it every time.

SD: That’ll be 14.56 VB: What?! I thought the subs were 5 dollars?

SD: Most of them are…you ordered the Sweet Chicken Teriyaki which isn’t and chips.

VB: Oh, that’s how you rip people off, get them in here and change everything.

SD: Have a nice day miss.

VB:……………

I mean for fuck sake people it’s a goddamn sandwich shop. Use the ingredients and the suggested sandwich choices and be on your marry way. Why do people feel they have a right to go in and just make the subway servers day a fucking hell? It’s completely unnecessary. You don’t have the right to only pay 5 dollars but stack your sandwich with 35 dollars worth of produce. You don’t have the right to belittle the employees when they misjudge your made up measurements (remember, they’re not mind readers). You don’t have the right to demand for ingredients that Subway doesn’t have. And you don’t have the right think Subway is your kitchen, you can’t go around bossing the employees to change their cutting, mixing, spreading, baking, toasting or saucing protocols. It’s Subway and not your way. If you have a particular way you make your sandwich then you should probably make it yourself. You don’t do this elsewhere in your life, you don’t tell a contractor, “hmmm I don’t know think you should be laying that pipe work there.” You’re not allowed to go into a restaurants kitchen and tell the chef, “Oooo whoa! Whoa!! Ease up on that cayenne pepper on the broiled peppered halibut dish.” So stop being a pain in the ass customer. If there are too many peppers, too many onions, or olives when there shouldn’t be…guess what you lazy sloth, use your two hands and fix it. I’ve seen the tip jar, most people aren’t tipping these workers but sure as hell act like they are.

Why are people such asses when they’re allowed to participate in something?

My roommate and a friend of ours got together and came up with a very pertinent observation. Now that this nation is facing yet another recession, a lot of people, businesses and commercials are now using the phrase “In this economy…” as an end all be all excuse for everything. For example, “In this economy, you want to get more bang for your buck.” (Thanks Toyota), or “In this economy, saving your pennies is becoming ever so important.” (Chase bank).

News reporters and political analysis are using the phrase to excuse ridiculous governmental decisions and poor choices by elected officials. “Well Stacy I’m out here with the Governor who is addressing the economic status of California, and wait, he just said he’s cutting all public school aid, metro link routing and assistance, stabbing all pregnant women in the stomach, and burning homeless people on sight. I mean in this economy, you really can’t take any chances. Back to you Stacy.”

I remember when the housing market began to crumble and analyst were begging the average American not to panic. Yet it seems everything in television is catered towards full scale cynicism and defeatist acceptance. Leading this wave of pre-apocalyptic financial devastation is the phrase… “In this economy”.

I think what gets me about this phrase, is it’s common sense umbrella effect. Things which would of seemed common sense to keep us out of this financial turmoil are now being hailed as never before thought of concepts and ideas. I mean did you have to say, “In this economy family means everything.”? So am I to believe I could care less my family when the economy isn’t shitty? “In this economy thinking wisely could save you money.” Hmmm….wouldn’t thinking wisely before this have saved us money and kept me out of this situation? It’s apparent we’re incapable of thinking wisely hence our current situation. “In this economy people are going back to the basics.” That’s nice, but don’t be fooled. People aren’t going back to the basics by choice. Maybe if they had of stuck with the basics we might have been in a better situation.

I just fear that now that people are accepting the phrase, “In this economy…” it’ll escalate to an excuse for far worst behavior. I mean things like:

“Man…oh man….dude, Dave I just killed a hooker.” “

“Awww man don’t worry about it. In this economy, you can’t afford to pay her. What else could you do?”

“Hey Debra, just do what I did…I left my son at the market”

“You did what?!!…”

“Yeah in this economy, I can’t afford to feed him. Why bring him home?”

“Damn girl! You’re right.”

“Hey bro, what the hell is this we’re eating?”

“Dog dude.”

“What?!”

“Yeah dog! I mean in this economy I can’t afford to pass up a cheap meal. Sure I live in this 4 bedroom house with two 20,000 dollar plus cars in the driveway, but in this economy, it’s just financially sound to capture stray dogs and eat them.

“Fuck! That movie sucked.”

“Yo son, in this economy, writers couldn’t afford to write a decent script.

“Laura, the defendant was convicted of felony assault, rape and aggravated larceny. And sentence to 15 years.”

“And ladies and gentlemen that brings this case to a well deserved conclusion.”

“That’s right Laura, but in this economy can you blame him? Goodnight, everybody.”

I know those are extreme, and ridiculous examples but how long will they be, especially in this economy?

I’m not sure how many of you know of this cultural phenomenon, but Cheaters is probably the best reality show on Earth. It’s the best combination of Jerry Springer circa 1998 and MSNB’s To Catch a Predator. People are caught cheating, the person who is being cheated on is allowed to confront their significant others and most of the time a fight ensues. What more could a TV fan want?

The show is a reality show where the host Joey Grecco takes very suspicious individuals and confirms their worst suspicions on TV for the whole world to see. But wait, he’s not done. After speaking in a creepy comforting voice throughout the whole torrid presentation, he then takes the person to go meet up with the cheater and the person which they are cheating with. But wait he’s not done. What better way to confront your cheating spouse, than with a entire camera crew, a stampede of body guards and a heard of boom mic guys? And Joey always waits until the person is actually in the act to bust them. Joey’s like the cast of SVU, busting in at the most inopportune times….wait, what are you doing, giving your valedictorian speech in front of 1300 students at USC, well now is the time to haul you away for aggravated flashing you sick son of a bitch!!!

Most of the time, there are fights, crashes, busted furniture, broken hearts and endless hours of laughs. My roommates and I have seen naked men jump iron cast fences, women tied to beds about to shoot a S&M videos, men hiding under beds, a man dressed up as a Bee get his ass kicked by his girlfriend at a gas station and women throwing other women through windows But this weekend my roommates and I saw something we’ve never seen before.

I warn you, if you’re not a fan of Chris Brown currently you may not want to watch this. For the rest of you enjoy.

I’ve only seen one other show use this format, and To Catch A Predator had a nice run, why aren’t more networks cashing in on this?

I’m a huge fan of the overly convoluted plot hole ridden story of The Terminator and most of its subsequent franchise. What’s not to like about a time traveling half ton robot from the future sent back in time to kill someone it couldn’t kill in its own time? Nothing I tell you…nothing!

With that aside, I believe being a fan entitles you to certain critic liberties not normally granted to non-fans. Trekker’s (not to be mistaken with trekies…who apparently don’t exist,) seem to be allotted the privilege of bashing the new Star Trek movie, because of loyal dedication and ridiculous attention to detail. The laymen however is only allowed to criticize in the comfort of his own circle of friends for fear of being called out for his/her sheer lack of knowledge on the subject and subsequent flawed critique. That being said, I have a few critiques and questions for the Terminator franchises and its newest attempt to revitalize the story.

First…studios need to buy by every copy of Terminator 3 ever sold, pay every network to STOP showing it, erase every left over ad, burn every piece of literature associated with it, and pretend it never existed. That movie was awful and really had no bearing on the franchise what so ever.

I’ve suspended disbelief for over 17 years, where is my pay off. Please show the end of the war. I’m tired of the franchise stringing along the viewer with the hint of the prophesized end. Since The Terminator first began, the triumphant human victory has been mentioned constantly by human and machine combined, but never actually seen by either. The previous three Terminator movies all took place in the relative past where showing the futuristic human victory would have been irrelevant, but Terminator: Salvation was the franchises chance to finally give the fan/viewer a glimpse if this monumental victory. Instead it teased the fans again, like your high school freshman girlfriend who would only rub you over the “outside” of your pants to get you excited then left you to finish the rest.

What started off as a unique concept of man versus machine in epic time jumping battle has now become a water downed version of the Matrix trilogies. John Conner, the leader of the human resistance is now being portrayed as the chosen one prophesized by himself. Instead of John Conner the man who lead a group of remaining human survivors to victory against an over matched threat to the human species.

I understand there are inherent fallacies which come with time travel, but in the context in which it originated, there should still be certain rules which the story and characters should abide by. Like in the original Terminator, John sent Kyle (his dad) unwittingly back to defend his mother from a Terminator assassination attempt. Since then John now not only knows who his father is, but has to rescue him in order to send him back to start this whole weird father-friend cycle over. It was better left to chance that the man he sent back happened to be his father through circumstance, rather than some loop breaking, time bending design.

Another issue I have is the latest terminator design. James Cameron and the writers are once again shown to be ahead of their time  18 years later. The T-1000 was a liquid metal prototype which was almost impervious to all attacks and had no discernable energy source, so it essentially could kill forever effectively was and seems to be the best killer of all the Terminators. It encompassed all of the best key characteristics for a Terminator. Stealth, self sustained weaponry, minimal maintence, and one sole objective, kill at all cost. Since then, the fans were given a liquid metal over an actual metal endo-skeleton which could use a flame thrower, in the form of a hot lesbian. The newest Terminator while better than the previous shape shifting Maxim cover model, still isn’t the efficient killing prototype from Terminator 2 or the indestructible T180 from the original movie. This terminator has an actual human heart and a brain. For what reason other than making it a extremely vulnerable to attack is unknown to me. It is mentioned that it’s very design was what Skynet previously failed to account for. This machine unwittingly brought John Conner and Kyle Reece into the grasp of Skynet (who again couldn’t capitalize on its new found fortune). The chances that a machine which has been offline for years, looks and acts completely human to the machines which hunt and destroy humans, winds up running into both John Conner and Kyle before being found out seems almost astronomical and quite frankly retarded of a design. Either low jack its ass or you’d better have made a shit load of disposable ones similar to it.

I’m starting to believe the humans WON’T win this war. As the old saying goes…“there is no money in PEACE”. I think the writers, and studios have a fear that showing the triumphant victory will be the end of the saga, and they may be right. This franchise was never meant to be a movie-after movie spawning sequel machine. Showing the end would without of a doubt probably cease the creation of more sequels, but that doesn’t mean that remakes won’t spring about. Remakes are popping up almost faster than the movies they’re based on these days. So fuck sake, please just show the end of the War. Make it a 3 hour movie if it pleases you. Have Mc.G (who apparently thinks he’s still in high school with a name like that) and Jerry Bruckheimer combine forces to blow up shit after shit in a CGI orgasm. Grab the writers of the Dark Knight to tailor a script for Christian Bale that keeps him speaking in that gargled Batman voice forever, and grab every cameo and hot piece of ass (i.e. Megan Fox, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel…) you can call in for a favor to be in scene after scene of unrelated appearances, and just make this movie.

Why is this so hard?

“It’s impolite to stare honey.” They would warn. But have you ever wondered why?

I mean you aren’t doing anything but looking. The same behavior generally encouraged at movies, theme parks, zoo’s, museums, sporting events, fashion shows, concerts, award shows, red carpet events, seminars and almost every other social gathering. But when you look at one individual for too long, you’ve crossed the line and have now become an impolite dick.

My roommates and I were discussing the origin of staring and what is so offensive about the act. I believe my inquiry all stems from an encounter I had a while back with this very attractive female. She was wearing all kinds of chic clothing and jewelry, hair stylishly cropped and several perfectly placed tattoos. So I was entranced by the woman’s appearance I will admit. She apparently didn’t take to kindly to my admiration, and decided to confront me about it. She walked over to where I was leaning and very harshly asked, “what the hell are you staring at creep?” Being completely off-set by her demeanor, I responded sarcastically with “You. Oh I’m sorry I do this thing…when I find something visually appealing I tend to look at it.” I believe she was expecting a half hearted ass lie, something along the lines, “…uh, nothing. I mean I was looking at you but my mind was somewhere else.” Needless to say she was thrown off, slightly flattered and completely confused.

All of this got me to thinking, had I been one of those people embarrassed about staring, why would I need to lie about it? Why do people become so offended when you “look” at them for extended periods of time? As a person who stares, I haven’t said anything offensive, I haven’t done anything offensive, I’ve kept my distance and I haven’t invaded your personal space, and once you’re out my line of sight, you’re gone to me. Yet people become self conscious, suspicious, and nervous when people stare at them.

I think the psychology of the situation stems back to personal inadequacies. If a hot woman sees a hot man staring at her she’s pleased and vice versa, because its wanted attention. But if a hot woman see a not so hot man staring she’s immediately put off and becomes nervous, paranoid and offended. Why? Here’s the answer plain and simple…people are self conscious and they lack mind reading abilities. We all have a certain image of what we see ourselves looking like in the mirror. Images that seem like they’re chalked with blaring flaws and ugly truths. And when someone stares at us, we feel like they’re staring at not only those same things but others we may have missed. This coupled with our inability to master telepathy, we project what people are thinking while they stare at us, all the negative things we see in ourselves. Then we get offended they would think that when they don’t know us at all.

A better question is, will this issue only be resolved with telepathy? Or we will be even more offended by their thoughts than we were with their blank stares?